Breakable

"I woke up this morning....funny taste in my head."

I dunno, life. I think I hear a lot that you're a douche. I hear you are unfair, but this battle isn't unfair; it's impossible. Trying to make my life more difficult than it was is quite a feat. Everything everyone else does, works for them and they don't fuck up their life with it. No one gets as much shit, no one gets as much pain, no one else suffers.

I try being a good student, fail. I try being a good guy, fail. I try being anything and I fail harder than anyone else does. I'm trying to think of what I've got, and I'm running dry.

I swear to God, if something else goes wrong...I don't know what will happen. I said this before...and this time when something DID go wrong, it was close. I'm just gonna say. It was close.

Truth & Reconcilliation Suite

It's the proverbial battle of jedi vs. sith. This will be just as nerdy as it sounds.

While looking at the city tonight; the reflections of the city on the water cast a huge red line and a huge green one. Being a good nerd, I soon noticed the similarity to when Vader faces Luke.

The topic on my mind was my life, and exactly where I went wrong and where I could go right. Nothing seemed to make much sense to me and as I fought long and hard against my wits to reason out what mistakes I've made, I came to no conclusion.

The first proof of evidence for where I went wrong was the best way someone said to me what's wrong. "No one can like someone who doesn't like themself" paraphrased a bit, but it kinda holds water. So why don't I like myself? I guess I could have tried a million ways to reason that out. Basically I'm not what I want to be.
I want to be loud, listened to, respected and liked.
I am silent, ignored, trodden on, and hated.

I've tried two different ways of dealing with this. I've tried just BEING and BELIEVING I am what I want to be. That worked well for the week or two it took for it to wear me down and even then, in retrospect, i wasn't what I wanted to be; rather I just saw that I was, even though I wasn't.

The second option was to be happy with who I was. That lasted just as long and for the same reason. I pretended to not want to change even though I really did subconsciously and eventually my mind got tired of lying to itself.

Now back to Star Wars. The Jedi way is one of constant work and zeal to keep the way of life in the future, better by fixing things FOR the future. Long term goals that require much work to achieve. The Sith deal with the now by solving the problems of now and that doesn't require much work. The movie details that no time has ever existed when the Sith and Jedi had a displacement of power. Always equal.

From my skyscraper reflection-reflection, i realized that my solutions could be related to both Sith and Jedi ideals. Sith would be to be happy with who i am, and Jedi would be to work to be who i want to be. Sith and Jedi in the movie are always battling, but remain equal. One can expect or extract that I would have to maintain BOTH ideals not fully, but half and half to work towards the longer goal but also keep in mind to be happy with who i am.

There in lies the contradiction. Wanting to be better while being happy with who I am. What am I to do?

There is a solution and that solution is a contradiction.
Liking myself but wanting to better myself means that the self i am now requires improvement, and thus admitting i have fault to better. But fault is not something I like and therefore I do NOT like myself in the first place?

Oh well...