Sharks

I've dealt with these sharks before.

So here I am, valentines day with no valentine. Not even a drunk hook up. I'm just here. I'm a shipwreck. I know I think I'm special. But thats just how it goes. I don't know. Firday the thirteenth has just blown big dick.

Newegg shipment delayed, boring class, and nothing in reward. I sit and hope that someone chooses me, because God knows I've almost given up choosing people myself. And the one chance i had lead to her passing out, and she was too drunk anyway.

Breathe In
Breathe Out
Keep your head above the water

But the problem is that waterline is way above my head. I keep struggling to break to the surface and everytime i do, something drags me right back down. Debbie said she was coming, that made me happy. Didn't show up. What the fuck? That girl used to talk ages with me, and she said she liked me at one point. But now i can't get more than a sentence or two out of her. Katie is all over me, and yet she doesn't like me. Why do people play my heart so much? I'm just tired of being here. I'm tired of being unsuccessful. I'm just... fucking depressed.

So don't swim so far from shore

But what else am I supposed to do? I have no choice but give hope that I can make it. What, am I supposed to play this game safe? Because as I realize no one wins when they play any game safely. You gotta be in the face of the opposition. But it just never works out.

Don't swim, don't swim, don't swim.

Cause i've dealt with these sharks before.

To the Moon for All I Care

Well, this will be a nice summation on my life for the last while. I've fallen from the Heaven I thought I was in when I talked to one person, but she couldn't make time for me. I wasn't even a backup in her life. I was just there when no one else was, I helped her through thick and thin, and one request to see her for a third time in my life was apparently too much. She leaves me high and dry every time. I'm good enough to give her advice, to get a laugh from, to call when she's scared, but not enough to actually spend time with. That is why I left her in her other town; her calls unanswered. She's the girl who cried wolf, and now at least I don't believe her. If you're reading this, cause I feel like you would, it wasn't just that once, it was every SINGLE time I tried. I got tired of it.

So other than that, the rest of life is just as bleak as its been. I failed to get more than four pledges for my fraternity, I'm just as messed as ever, and still single. I'm getting shit from people all the time about me being single, and only had sex once. FORGIVE ME FOR BEING A FUCK UP BUT YOURE NOT HELPING. Like, a joke is not a joke when I don't laugh with it. I don't wanna hear i need to get fucked, you think I haven't fucking realized that? I'm fucking pent up with so many emotions and though, they'll throw the punches no one wants to deal with my pleas for help. I'm honestly alone. I can only confide within this blog everything I want to. No one WANTS to listen, and you know how i know that? Because everyone gives the same generic fucking advice. "You'll meet someone," "There's someone out there for you" "It's not big deal, its not that great" Yeah, all of those DONT HELP. One in SIX BILLION people, I'm sure that must be comforting to hear. That's the equivalent to you failing a job interview and me saying "Well, there's one out there for you, somewhere" You wouldn't be happy with that advice. And just saying I need to get fucked is like saying "Well, you didn't get a job withDeutcheBank, but McDonalds is hiring!"

My confidence is absolutely abolished, my spirit is broken. I've tried so hard. At all times, and nothing works out.

Oh, and to throw MORE shit on top of the camel's back, I was told a girl I liked, liked me. No shit!? Oh, total shit. Turns out that the person who told me was joking/drunk/messing around. OH THAT MAKES ME FEEL FUCKING FANTASTIC. NOW IM SOMETHING TO LAUGH AT TO THE POINT THAT YOU FUCK WITH MY EMOTIONS. They said they were sorry, but I got shot in the leg and was told it was the cure for cancer.

My friends are keeping me somewhat sane, but the longer I live the farther I get from sanity. I went suit shopping today, not spending money on a girl so i might as well buy a suit to get a good job. Good Job = Money = Women? I've tried everything else... But even then I don't have high hopes. I just don't even care. I don't care if someone wants me even for just my money. Just anyone to have feelings for and have SOMETHING returned. I can't keep going on at this rate. I can't. I don't know what to do. Everything works for everyone else. Shit that just doesn't make sense does for everyone else. They all nab girlfriends, do things that shouldn't work, and pull off being total dicks (More so than I) and get away scotch free.

Life sucks. It really does. And my family, though loving, are nothing but trouble. I hardly hear from my brother, my mom god bless her only complains, my sister tells me what to do still and has nothing but grief following her, and my dad pretends everything is okay unless I say i'm not christian. I know I can't please everyone but FUCK WHO CAN I PLEASE!? And we have no money for a psychiatrist for my sister or me. I haven't told my parents how depressed i've been. I couldn't. It's ONE MORE thing for them to worry about.

I need life to be fair. I need something to go right.

I honestly don't know what's going to happen to me if it doesn't.