Marooned

She spoke of marriage and kids.

I haven't even had a girlfriend yet.

What am I doing?

The Backtrack, Foam Born

Well, it seems I started playing World of Warcraft again...

I'll let that sink in. Oops. Sorry folks.

I would suggesting skipping this entry for your minds sake.

So I'm beginning to think that I really really need to start a slope in the better direction. I seem to be reverting hardcore to my old self and it needs to stop. I started WoW again, I'm being anti-social, an asshole, and just...weirdo again. I dunno why I'm reverting it just needs to stop. Really need to work on not being alone still. I did another random mistake last night that I will full heartedly admit to anyone was a mistake, but if i did admit it, they wouldn't let it rest. No one lets anything rest around here. It's annoying. I like one girl that everyone thinks is asexual, and i still get crap for it. I hook up with one chick last year and I still get crap for it. I do anything it seems anymore and I get crap for it. Is anything I do right to anyone? Doesn't seem so. I can't admit it to anyones faces cause I don't wanna be the slovenly weak figure there telling people that something bothers me. Namely because in todays society, if something bothers you people do it more. Because people have a superiority complex, all of them. I really think it's true because people don't use jokes around here cause they're funny, but because they bite into someone. Holy shit. It's my family all over again. My sister used to do that all of the time. Maybe that's why I'm reverting. Dealing with this old enemy.... seems like my past will never stop haunting me.

I'm just not in control anymore i feel. No matter what I do it seems nothing changes no matter how hard i try to change. Not saying God is spiting me or anything, it's just it almost seems like it's just a fate. Which is funny cause I don't like to believe in fate, but more and more as I lead this life it hits again and again...fate hates me. But whether I'm in control or not, I try to act like I am... but maybe thats just how everyone does it. Everyone acts like they're in control but no one really is. Backseat drivers to their own fates. 

I'm wondering if a psychiatrist might be able to help me. I dunno what to do anymore. 

It's raining outside. I always feel the rain means a change in life, a sort of rebirth. I guess i get that idea from movies where rain/water is used to mean purification of someone's character... that something gets resolved. Generally means the story is going to change pace or direction. 

Oh well. Let's hope this realization will help me change the world I'm in.

Starlight

Woaaaah weekend!

Friday : 

Woke up at 8:00AM and was on my feet till 4:00 AM Saturday! OKay, so I did a whole bunch of boring stuff during the day, then cleaned for the party and then...Party... 

So the party was cool. This girl I took out to dinner said she was coming...then she left before the party started; a horrible beginning to the night. I worked door til 11:00 which wasn't bad, had some fun stopping people from getting in with the bouncer. Once that finished I went into the actual part of the night. Danced witha friend of mine, then walked around taking jello shots and talking to people. Danced with this other girl who "had a boyfriend," then I was getting hit on by this asian that I tried to toss off to my friend...didn't work well and ruined it for the both of us. 

Saturday! : 

So I got more drunk, started dancing with this other girl I know from class. She's pretty cute, and we danced pretttyyyy dirty, we get up close and I'm going and "OH, I have a boyfriend" .... SO I start walking around again when I realize it seems everyone has a boyfriend? Anyway, start talking to this other chick and all I wanna do at this point is hook up cause I'm a nice, caring young gentleman. She apparently never wants to hook up without a relationship. So I just spend the rest of the night just kinda chillin' with her and a couple of other people. That comes to an end around 3:30. Went back up to the room pretty pissed with the track record, and began to check email. Got hit in the head by Angela's well placed bottle throw. And fell asleep. 

Woke up around.... 8:00, ate two bowls of cereal and half a stein of chocolate milk. I'm retarded. REALLY didn't feel well on the path and had to sit it out in Journal Sq. station. Went home! Got home and hung out with brother doing a couple of tasks for Mum's birthday. 

The idea for her present was such, she wanted a garbage can, what a boring gift. So i wanted to buy a great garbage can, and attach one of those speakers/electronics from a "record your own message" card so it thanked her when she opened it. But...that failed cause I broke it while I did extensive testing on it. Hung out with Drew and Chris and Dave for the rest of the night, which was fun. Was supposed to hang out with another friend of mine, but that fell through. Drew and I eventually drove around listening to Nightmare Before Christmas and I was demonstrating how perfect i'd be for the role....No-homo. 

Hmmmm.... Sunday Morning, woke up around 10:00 AM, chilled around the house until my Mum could drive me over. Got on the train as the doors closed and got to Hoboken. Went to hoboken without difficulty, and walked in only to get thrown into the Alumni Meeting cause i was the only member of Prudential Committee available. Sat through that, went to Taco Bell, did Calc, tried watching Iron Man...Gave up on watching Iron man. Started typing this blog about friday.... Yeah. 

SO you think you can tell heaven from hell? Blue skies from pain? 

I can't =\

Dismantle, Repair

So I ran into a few bumps and turns in my road...But nevermind actually let them deter me, I kinda plowed through them and kept moving.

I went to DC with my Dad to go visit my brother and of course a lot of interesting things happened. We talked on the way down about general engineering stuff, like patents and his views on his job. When down there, bro and I chatted like old times and just kinda shot shit and talked philosophy. I'm really glad he's happy down there, but it's kinda upsetting he needed to get away from the house to be happy. My next topic. So my dad was talking to me on the way up about Mom and Him and everything in between...But the weird thing is, he told me his side and i've heard Mom's but I just don't...care? Well...I care about both of them, I just can't do anything about the situation. I told him Ryan and I left the house not because we're getting older, not because we don't love them, but because of the giant elephant in the room whenever they're there. Anyway... I'm glad I'm out of that house and I love my family more than anything.

We made the room sexy. We went to Ikea and bought two tables and two tower lamps that just give the room an ambience that is uncomparable. We spent a lot of money on them, but it's well worth it. On top of that, the morning of I got sick from drinking curdled milk and then drinking a buttload right after that. I missed the test that morning that i can't make up. Lowest grade for the class is dropped, but I knew the material so well... School is tough now. I'm not sure how well I'm going to do in every class this semester. Circuits I don't know, Mech Solids it takes a while for me to grasp, Calc 3 i understand, but the tests are insane, and Physics i'm doing well in. 

Anyway, my friends have been rocks for me lately. I thought a bit about dropping out of Stevens and Justin gave me good reasons on both sides and let me decide which I wanted. I'm gonna rough it out. This year is difficult, but I think once I get into my major's classes I'll do better. 

What else....

So...girls aspect of my life is looking better. All sides of the triangle seem nicely weighted. I've stopped talking to a lot of the friends who were girls, those three I talked about not talking to anymore. I'm not gonna shed an infinite light on my situation. But one girl I feel likes me, but she can't do anything because of someone I'm close to kinda scared her off... Which is a bummer, cause she's a really nice girl. Another girl...I'm not sure about her...We'll see how that works out. 

My stomachs been acting up a lot...I dunno why, but I gotta get that under wraps quick cause it's gonna be troublesome with more and more school hitting me. I need more of that Danactive yogurt shit... *noted*

What....else.....can't think. My brain is like...dead. I know there's something else bothering me but I can't think of what it is to write down on this here blog. 

I feel stupid lately. Really stupid. Not getting much. Not getting any good grades. What's wrong with me... iunno. 

Back to this old saying

Live life with no regrets. Always learning.