Sharks

I've dealt with these sharks before.

So here I am, valentines day with no valentine. Not even a drunk hook up. I'm just here. I'm a shipwreck. I know I think I'm special. But thats just how it goes. I don't know. Firday the thirteenth has just blown big dick.

Newegg shipment delayed, boring class, and nothing in reward. I sit and hope that someone chooses me, because God knows I've almost given up choosing people myself. And the one chance i had lead to her passing out, and she was too drunk anyway.

Breathe In
Breathe Out
Keep your head above the water

But the problem is that waterline is way above my head. I keep struggling to break to the surface and everytime i do, something drags me right back down. Debbie said she was coming, that made me happy. Didn't show up. What the fuck? That girl used to talk ages with me, and she said she liked me at one point. But now i can't get more than a sentence or two out of her. Katie is all over me, and yet she doesn't like me. Why do people play my heart so much? I'm just tired of being here. I'm tired of being unsuccessful. I'm just... fucking depressed.

So don't swim so far from shore

But what else am I supposed to do? I have no choice but give hope that I can make it. What, am I supposed to play this game safe? Because as I realize no one wins when they play any game safely. You gotta be in the face of the opposition. But it just never works out.

Don't swim, don't swim, don't swim.

Cause i've dealt with these sharks before.

To the Moon for All I Care

Well, this will be a nice summation on my life for the last while. I've fallen from the Heaven I thought I was in when I talked to one person, but she couldn't make time for me. I wasn't even a backup in her life. I was just there when no one else was, I helped her through thick and thin, and one request to see her for a third time in my life was apparently too much. She leaves me high and dry every time. I'm good enough to give her advice, to get a laugh from, to call when she's scared, but not enough to actually spend time with. That is why I left her in her other town; her calls unanswered. She's the girl who cried wolf, and now at least I don't believe her. If you're reading this, cause I feel like you would, it wasn't just that once, it was every SINGLE time I tried. I got tired of it.

So other than that, the rest of life is just as bleak as its been. I failed to get more than four pledges for my fraternity, I'm just as messed as ever, and still single. I'm getting shit from people all the time about me being single, and only had sex once. FORGIVE ME FOR BEING A FUCK UP BUT YOURE NOT HELPING. Like, a joke is not a joke when I don't laugh with it. I don't wanna hear i need to get fucked, you think I haven't fucking realized that? I'm fucking pent up with so many emotions and though, they'll throw the punches no one wants to deal with my pleas for help. I'm honestly alone. I can only confide within this blog everything I want to. No one WANTS to listen, and you know how i know that? Because everyone gives the same generic fucking advice. "You'll meet someone," "There's someone out there for you" "It's not big deal, its not that great" Yeah, all of those DONT HELP. One in SIX BILLION people, I'm sure that must be comforting to hear. That's the equivalent to you failing a job interview and me saying "Well, there's one out there for you, somewhere" You wouldn't be happy with that advice. And just saying I need to get fucked is like saying "Well, you didn't get a job withDeutcheBank, but McDonalds is hiring!"

My confidence is absolutely abolished, my spirit is broken. I've tried so hard. At all times, and nothing works out.

Oh, and to throw MORE shit on top of the camel's back, I was told a girl I liked, liked me. No shit!? Oh, total shit. Turns out that the person who told me was joking/drunk/messing around. OH THAT MAKES ME FEEL FUCKING FANTASTIC. NOW IM SOMETHING TO LAUGH AT TO THE POINT THAT YOU FUCK WITH MY EMOTIONS. They said they were sorry, but I got shot in the leg and was told it was the cure for cancer.

My friends are keeping me somewhat sane, but the longer I live the farther I get from sanity. I went suit shopping today, not spending money on a girl so i might as well buy a suit to get a good job. Good Job = Money = Women? I've tried everything else... But even then I don't have high hopes. I just don't even care. I don't care if someone wants me even for just my money. Just anyone to have feelings for and have SOMETHING returned. I can't keep going on at this rate. I can't. I don't know what to do. Everything works for everyone else. Shit that just doesn't make sense does for everyone else. They all nab girlfriends, do things that shouldn't work, and pull off being total dicks (More so than I) and get away scotch free.

Life sucks. It really does. And my family, though loving, are nothing but trouble. I hardly hear from my brother, my mom god bless her only complains, my sister tells me what to do still and has nothing but grief following her, and my dad pretends everything is okay unless I say i'm not christian. I know I can't please everyone but FUCK WHO CAN I PLEASE!? And we have no money for a psychiatrist for my sister or me. I haven't told my parents how depressed i've been. I couldn't. It's ONE MORE thing for them to worry about.

I need life to be fair. I need something to go right.

I honestly don't know what's going to happen to me if it doesn't.

Runaway

Jamiroquai has some of the best bass lines out there. Or at least one of them for the song Runaway. So sexy. Speaking of bass, I'm looking to save up and buy a $1,600.00 bass. Music Man Bongo 5 HH LH! Hell yeah, get all the sounds i'm looking for. 

Sooooo home sucks. I don't know what is supposed to be here for me. Family is good, but only so much. And I really one have 2 friends to hang out with, well groups. Annd I can't just hang out those groups every night, apparently. I wish I had some friends who held parties or something. I guess I just never got popular hurr. Oh well. Come January i'll be back up in Hoboken and happy. Til then i'm just in no-pussy, everyone has a girlfriend, no-fun land. No offense Hamilton, and I know I bitch a lot, but you suck.

But where as most problems, just mentioning it to someone or something fixes it. No boredom fixes itself when you mention it. In fact it's best not to mention it. because then you just make it obvious to other peoplethey are bored too. And in places like these, boredom isall the time. 

Oh well.

"I just want to runaway 

Turn me loose 
Got people around running me down I cant stay 
WOO 
I just want to get away, I just want to get away now. 
Get them off my back today "

Blackbirds Vs. Crows

Sister back in the hospital.

Lack of good grades.

Fuck ups at the business fair.

Still alone, so lonesome.

That urking feeling still that I can't get along with anyone else. That there's just no one for me.

Makes me wish I didn't care about any of these things. 

Awesome analogy

How parties work in respect to guys and girls and their respective ratios.

(11:01:16 PM) Me: Think about it like this
(11:01:38 PM) Me: You're walking down the street and you see one food cart
(11:01:46 PM) Me: everyone who wants food, will be there
(11:02:18 PM) Me: If one guy is ordering, and some other guy rushesin saying he needs a lot of food from that cart and is flashing a $100 dollar bill
(11:02:38 PM) Me: the cart guy will start seving the guy with the $100 dollar bill instead of the other guy(s)
(11:03:02 PM) Me: Now, imagine you're walking down the street in NYC, and you see three food carts in close proximity
(11:03:05 PM) Me: What happens,
(11:03:23 PM) Me: People don't choose one over the other, but the cart people yell "You look hungry! come here and eat!"
(11:03:41 PM) Me: in order to get customers
(11:03:54 PM) Me: It's the same thing with ratios of guys to girls
(11:04:09 PM) Me: If theres more people than food carts,the food cart just has to be there, and it'll get action
(11:04:35 PM) Me: if there'smore food carts than people, then the food cart guy has to be on his A Game to get food sold
(11:04:55 PM) Me: And whoever offers the best upfront deal, wins. 

Uncanny

My eye is twitching. It won't stop. It's been doing it for a while now...God I love stress.

Sister keeps going in an out of the hospital and it was talked about how a kidney might be given...one of mine. Not only that, but she's really pushing this new relationship of hers on me, and I don't...not care, but I don't need to be thrown into it. Just like how another member of my family does it to me too. 

Aaaah relationships. Everyone's in one...tis the season to find desperate people so we don't feel alone on the holidays. I'm just getting used to this single thing. Haha, lies. Really getting tired of being alone.

Started talking to people again. She was there for the summer, and half of this semester now, haha. She keeps me sane and she makes me happy, whatever is whatever is how i feel on the subject. We talk on the phone, and i'm content with whatever happens.

I've really been digging that feeling, whatever happens, happens and I can't do much to change it. Women, friends, drama, life in general. DOesn't mean I will like it or not, but why linger on it.

Been home for a few days, I wanna leave again pretty badly. I Just have a horrible vibe of this town now a days. Love the friends and family, but I'm just not happy here. It seems like a step back, as one person would refer to it as "Old Kevin" and I like to think theres a "new Kevin. " Old Kevin was very wierdo, and while Kevin is still wierd, he knows how to restrain it so he doesn't come off as creepy to people.  Old Kevin wore whatever, New Kevin is working on his self image, a regular socialite, and clothes that fit it. regardless, though I'm still KEvin in general, it seems most people here don't like how i've changed. And who would? Change is never good it seems, espeically for people still in this town, nothing has changed for them, so the fact i've changed is a sin it seems. I get nothing but crap for how I look now a days, but I'm happy. For once i'm happy how i look.  I've got moxy building. 

I'm getting more and more cocky, and it's needed. I need to be cockier, cause i had no faith in myself before. I was down-trodden and always losing. Where I lost before, is my objective to win. But still that factor of whatever happens, happens applies. So it's kind of a I'll let this stuff happen. 

Aaaaaahhh I feel a lot better right now that I typed that out, love this blog for doing that. Though, the problem is I'm home alone on a friday night. GG Hamilton.

Someone save this person from total boredom.

Poles Apart

So, my one big stint about blogs are that people leave "Secret messages" to people. Today, I'm going to commit my one big stint to action.

You contacted me again. You pretty much were acting like you wanted me back into your life. You sat there saying that everything was my fault as to what happened...Can you blame me? The mixed messages you sent? Everything you did lead me to one conclusion, that doesn't happen too often. 

So you wanted to talk about it, by leaving a nasty comment. We brought it up, we talked about it. I even admitted I was in the wrong. You know how often that happens? Pretty much never. But you bring that out in me. I needed a little time to think about something, and that was just too much for you. You told me not to call, and now we're just poles apart. So what did you want from that? You wanted your answer then? You couldn't have been understanding enough to wait a little longer? No, you couldn't! Who knows why, but you just couldn't wait one more day, because god forbid i had shitloads of homework and stuff to do. And so now you never want to hear me call your number. 

Where do you get off? 

Why do you try to cloud yourself from me?