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So a couple of nights ago, I told someone how I felt though I tried not to...and the only positive thing that happened from that is that I felt a lightened load off of my chest for 10 seconds. Since then, that person decided not to talk to me, and my life has notoriously gone to hell ever so slightly more.

This person used to be the person in my life I'd tell anything to, and now I have no one to give unmitigated Kevin thoughts. Now I have no one to just talk to without thinking before saying somethings, and upset some people may be for hearing this, it's true. I have a mind that needs to be blocked, and it's very abstract most of the time. 

Regardless, now I just have pent up 5,000 feelings. I don't know what to do anymore. My life since I was born has been spiralling down, and it's almost like Office Space. "Every day that you see me, thats the worst day of my life" "Wow, thats good stuff" but I don't want it to be. I try to be the most friendly, cheerful guy, but my life just doesn't want me to be. People have been saying even more "what's eating you" and my only reply has been "everything." 

I hate this. I hate thinking in High School about proving the statistics wrong. Making a change. In Highschool, i was never depressed, and i had a fun time. College hit and I'm realizing i'm older and I haven't done things everyone has done. I have no roads to turn down, and I've burnt the bridges I need toget out. I need help...I really do. Not from a psychiatrist. From my friends. I just..... dunno what to do. Sure I have friends, family and school, but I'm miserable. I'm an outcast and everyone knows it.

People call me a creeper, and I try not to be, but its true. I am. AndI really wish i wasn't, because then I wouldn't scare away the people I want close to me. But it happens....and i fear there is no cure, that i'll be alone like this all of my life.

I watched the Office this summer, and Michael's character was the most alluring one...because I think in some ways...I am him at a lesser age. Never having sex, thinking everyone is my girlfriend or friend when they're not. Everyone laughing behind my back because I'm such a loser. I look at this with admiration that he made it that far at least, cause I'm not sure I would. I honestly dread getting older, not because death lures closer or because joints will hurt. Because that will be one more year that I don't have anyone for me.

I dunno, I'm a little inebriated, but fuck...this is the only way I get the truth out on this fucking blog. Even though she was probably the only one who read it. Why do I even bother without anyone to read....

Fuck I hate myself more than anything, not for that one mistake. Just because I think i am one.