Dog Problems

Sooooo I've was happy for a bit, I was sad again for a bit. I'm just...chillin' in the middle right now. Bored, cause home is still boring, haha.

So I've got a dissertation to give on my life and how I see my friends as what they should be...

As I see it, a friend is someone you do anything for, and they do the same. It's not just someone you like being around. And it's this reasoning for how I see friends, that I realize that a lot of my friends are not great ones. I'm not saying that my friends need to always do what I say, but if I ask something of someone, and they don't do it, and when I kinda say "Hey, what happened" the number one thing I expect a friend to do is apologize or at least say they forgot or something. One "Friend" of mine keeps thinking that whenever this happens that I'm attacking him? But he doesn't apologize for what wrong he did, he attacks me, and thinks i'm being a dick? This doesn't make sense. It kinda has been bothering me. It makes me question when this person has ever really done that much for me. And yet, I've told this person how I feel on the subject and they get humbled, and then right back to what they were.

Oh well.

Girls girls girls. So I hooked up drunkenly with this one girl twice, and yet everyone tells me to jump on that, everyone wants me to have a girlfriend, just anything I can get my hands on... but thats actually made me realize how stupid I was before wishing for just that. I don't want it now. She's a cool girl and all, but what can I say, not my thing. At the same time, the girl i was crushing on before...at least when she was a little tipsy started like biting my neck and holding my hand when i told her there was someone else. Wtf? I didn't know what she wanted, but something Nick said clicked "She only wants the attention of a boyfriend, but not actually a boyfriend, she's dangling you in that gray area" and it's true. As soon as i told her "what was up?" she denied it and made it seem like I saw too far into it. Yeah. Right.

Oh, and people from my past just keep haunting me. I see her in my head every once in a while. Not in that like "zomg love" kinda way, but like a friend lost. And it's true i lost a friend...and I can't rationalize what I did. But our friendship was unrational. Nothing made sense there. Nothing ever makes sense in general. Fuck, i need to stop overthinking shit.

Somehow still, something feels right. I dunno what it is. I'm not like "Fuck my life" that much. maybe its just that people want my attention, that people like being around me, haha. I haven't had much of that.

Nick said, on the subject of a girlfriend "It's nice to have someone care for you" to which my retort is "I have people who care for me already"

I don't need it. I don't need anything. I don't care that much. It's a "fuck it all" attitude but less negative. I need to think selfishly. I do. I got mad at my friend for it, but maybe it's cause I can't do it. but then again, theres me overthinking, haha.

Mmmmm scatter mind.

At the same time, I feel like I can't talk to anyone anymore. So many people have fallen from my "talk to" list. and they've complained. I dunno why I feel like i've grown distant. But something is working.

At the same time, I feel like less and less people I can talk to as well. No one keeps shit private. No one gives me unbiased advice. No one is just...there and can understand me. No one at college I feel like wants to listen. No one at home really has the room for advice.

I dunno! I just don't know what is what!

But im not miserable? or am I even worse. I can't tell. I'm not really....depressed? I'm saddened by peoples actions. I'm saddened people use me for their own gains and that alone sometimes. I ask myself a lot "Are they doing this because they like me, or because they need my money" "Are they doing this because they like me, or proving their better than someone else" or any kind of random selfish reason.

Oh well. I was feeling better before i actually started typing shit down and actually thinking whats on my mind.