Breakable

"I woke up this morning....funny taste in my head."

I dunno, life. I think I hear a lot that you're a douche. I hear you are unfair, but this battle isn't unfair; it's impossible. Trying to make my life more difficult than it was is quite a feat. Everything everyone else does, works for them and they don't fuck up their life with it. No one gets as much shit, no one gets as much pain, no one else suffers.

I try being a good student, fail. I try being a good guy, fail. I try being anything and I fail harder than anyone else does. I'm trying to think of what I've got, and I'm running dry.

I swear to God, if something else goes wrong...I don't know what will happen. I said this before...and this time when something DID go wrong, it was close. I'm just gonna say. It was close.

Truth & Reconcilliation Suite

It's the proverbial battle of jedi vs. sith. This will be just as nerdy as it sounds.

While looking at the city tonight; the reflections of the city on the water cast a huge red line and a huge green one. Being a good nerd, I soon noticed the similarity to when Vader faces Luke.

The topic on my mind was my life, and exactly where I went wrong and where I could go right. Nothing seemed to make much sense to me and as I fought long and hard against my wits to reason out what mistakes I've made, I came to no conclusion.

The first proof of evidence for where I went wrong was the best way someone said to me what's wrong. "No one can like someone who doesn't like themself" paraphrased a bit, but it kinda holds water. So why don't I like myself? I guess I could have tried a million ways to reason that out. Basically I'm not what I want to be.
I want to be loud, listened to, respected and liked.
I am silent, ignored, trodden on, and hated.

I've tried two different ways of dealing with this. I've tried just BEING and BELIEVING I am what I want to be. That worked well for the week or two it took for it to wear me down and even then, in retrospect, i wasn't what I wanted to be; rather I just saw that I was, even though I wasn't.

The second option was to be happy with who I was. That lasted just as long and for the same reason. I pretended to not want to change even though I really did subconsciously and eventually my mind got tired of lying to itself.

Now back to Star Wars. The Jedi way is one of constant work and zeal to keep the way of life in the future, better by fixing things FOR the future. Long term goals that require much work to achieve. The Sith deal with the now by solving the problems of now and that doesn't require much work. The movie details that no time has ever existed when the Sith and Jedi had a displacement of power. Always equal.

From my skyscraper reflection-reflection, i realized that my solutions could be related to both Sith and Jedi ideals. Sith would be to be happy with who i am, and Jedi would be to work to be who i want to be. Sith and Jedi in the movie are always battling, but remain equal. One can expect or extract that I would have to maintain BOTH ideals not fully, but half and half to work towards the longer goal but also keep in mind to be happy with who i am.

There in lies the contradiction. Wanting to be better while being happy with who I am. What am I to do?

There is a solution and that solution is a contradiction.
Liking myself but wanting to better myself means that the self i am now requires improvement, and thus admitting i have fault to better. But fault is not something I like and therefore I do NOT like myself in the first place?

Oh well...

In the Cold

You know, I've listened to a lot genres through my life, but this emo/pop-punk shit gets stuck in your head. Fuck these artists, haha.

Thursday - Drank like 2 cups of alcohol and somehow I got not only drunk as hell off of it, but I pissed off my stomach to make me think that I had an ulcer again. I was resting my head on a toilet for like 7 hours. Pure bile tastes fucking gross. So I missed my classes, and Friday I said no drinking...DAMN YOU EVAN!! Got me drinking, and then interesting events occurred... This chick, was bouncing between Justin & I, and then she hooks up with me on the dance floor...randomly stopped and walked away. 10 minutes later tried hooking up with Justin! Justin just like pushes her off and tells her I'm single. She walks away, tries to go to Billy! Billy pushes her off instantly and tells her to go to me. Was....I first AND last resort? Anyway....what I gathered?

TIES RULE! The emo thing with just a tie around your neck worked really well? Hahaha

I'M SO POOR! I need to learn how to save my money... $-211.53 in my TD Bank account cause they found some....extra check? Took it out middle of spring break! So I've been in the red for a bit. Now I need to wait til I have my Tax Return.

So yeah, still...depressed? I don't know why... I just feel like nothing works like I wish it could. I'm taking a good initiative to fix stuff...but no luck! I feel like everyone...and everything is just...making me angry? I dunno how to describe it other than random things that would normally not phase me too much are just making me really pissed...

Still single...I guess by choice? I don't know... I'm tired of being alone, but the only opportunity has been a chick I have not much in common with...at all. And she drinks...all the time. I drank twice this week, but I normally don't drink anywhere near this much. I'm just like...between a rock and a crazy place. I'm literally beginning to go insane of not being with a girl. Yeah I've had hookups. But i want someone I connect with and can say like "I love you" or something cute like that too. I'm fucking ALONE and it sucks DICK. I have friends, but it's not the same. Even when I'm with people I'm alone. Everyone has more than I.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Dreaming. With a Broken. Heart.

Waking up IS the hardest part.

John Mayer, JES-NIUS (Jesus + Genius)?

Long Distance Runaround

It seems no matter how far we go, we run right back to where we started. I've come so far from where I started last year, and yet I almost feel like I'm back where I was. Where I thought I left petty drama, it comes right back.

This time...I supposedly hooked up with someone, when I didn't. har har. I love rumors.

Anyway, thats not really on my mind that much...I had a dream about her again. We fixed out differences and were just watching like Discovery Channel... and everything was cool when the dream began to end. I woke up, and realized that even though it felt real. It would never happen.

I talked to Justin about it, and I guess I came to the conclussion that the reason I enjoyed her company was because everything about her and I was unrational and i love rationalizing things. It was like a mystery I couldn't solve. The Moby Dick of my minds ability to unravel a problem. I fucked up. I'm not saying she's perfectly was doing all right to me, but I did fuck up. And I think it's been too long for me to fix anything. I did some fucked up things in my life, but what I did that night was....beyond anything I've ever done.

I told Justin one day that I can hit lower than anyone could possibly do. He's almost afraid to talk to me, and he asks if every one of my jokes are the lowest. There are two people I've gone my lowest on, and one of them was her... and the other I don't like to talk about.

Anyway, I'm failing a class. Thermodynamics. Another Moby Dick to me. I studied about 10 hours and nothing. 29 on my test. I don't know how to fix it. Oh well. We'll see.

So the fraternity is blaming me for being a horrible Rush Chair even though...I kinda have done better than last semester and the one before that, and the one before that; effort wise. Yet I'm getting shit. Why? Because I'm the only one who cares about getting rushes it seems. Sure everyone is like "Rush chairs job to do it" But i can't go get rushee's for the whole house you know. Oh well!

I don't know socially wtf is going on. Haha, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. And some weird side of me has errupted. I'm like really nerdy lately. I'm kinda being really....me. Which is bad thing. Everyone says it. I always get the "you're creepy" thing. Then stop fucking talking to me. If you think I'm creepy, then go away.

Getting tired of people pointing out my flaws all the time.

Things I'm tired of hearing
1. My being single
2. I'm a bitch for having had ULCERS and stomach problems.
3. I'm creepy
4. I'm too skinny
5. I'm an idiot.
6. I'm a failure.

I KNOW these things. Maybe if I heard some compliments once in a while, I'd be happier. But my compliments coming my way, are few and far between. Kinda gets old.

Oh well. FML

Dog Problems

Sooooo I've was happy for a bit, I was sad again for a bit. I'm just...chillin' in the middle right now. Bored, cause home is still boring, haha.

So I've got a dissertation to give on my life and how I see my friends as what they should be...

As I see it, a friend is someone you do anything for, and they do the same. It's not just someone you like being around. And it's this reasoning for how I see friends, that I realize that a lot of my friends are not great ones. I'm not saying that my friends need to always do what I say, but if I ask something of someone, and they don't do it, and when I kinda say "Hey, what happened" the number one thing I expect a friend to do is apologize or at least say they forgot or something. One "Friend" of mine keeps thinking that whenever this happens that I'm attacking him? But he doesn't apologize for what wrong he did, he attacks me, and thinks i'm being a dick? This doesn't make sense. It kinda has been bothering me. It makes me question when this person has ever really done that much for me. And yet, I've told this person how I feel on the subject and they get humbled, and then right back to what they were.

Oh well.

Girls girls girls. So I hooked up drunkenly with this one girl twice, and yet everyone tells me to jump on that, everyone wants me to have a girlfriend, just anything I can get my hands on... but thats actually made me realize how stupid I was before wishing for just that. I don't want it now. She's a cool girl and all, but what can I say, not my thing. At the same time, the girl i was crushing on before...at least when she was a little tipsy started like biting my neck and holding my hand when i told her there was someone else. Wtf? I didn't know what she wanted, but something Nick said clicked "She only wants the attention of a boyfriend, but not actually a boyfriend, she's dangling you in that gray area" and it's true. As soon as i told her "what was up?" she denied it and made it seem like I saw too far into it. Yeah. Right.

Oh, and people from my past just keep haunting me. I see her in my head every once in a while. Not in that like "zomg love" kinda way, but like a friend lost. And it's true i lost a friend...and I can't rationalize what I did. But our friendship was unrational. Nothing made sense there. Nothing ever makes sense in general. Fuck, i need to stop overthinking shit.

Somehow still, something feels right. I dunno what it is. I'm not like "Fuck my life" that much. maybe its just that people want my attention, that people like being around me, haha. I haven't had much of that.

Nick said, on the subject of a girlfriend "It's nice to have someone care for you" to which my retort is "I have people who care for me already"

I don't need it. I don't need anything. I don't care that much. It's a "fuck it all" attitude but less negative. I need to think selfishly. I do. I got mad at my friend for it, but maybe it's cause I can't do it. but then again, theres me overthinking, haha.

Mmmmm scatter mind.

At the same time, I feel like I can't talk to anyone anymore. So many people have fallen from my "talk to" list. and they've complained. I dunno why I feel like i've grown distant. But something is working.

At the same time, I feel like less and less people I can talk to as well. No one keeps shit private. No one gives me unbiased advice. No one is just...there and can understand me. No one at college I feel like wants to listen. No one at home really has the room for advice.

I dunno! I just don't know what is what!

But im not miserable? or am I even worse. I can't tell. I'm not really....depressed? I'm saddened by peoples actions. I'm saddened people use me for their own gains and that alone sometimes. I ask myself a lot "Are they doing this because they like me, or because they need my money" "Are they doing this because they like me, or proving their better than someone else" or any kind of random selfish reason.

Oh well. I was feeling better before i actually started typing shit down and actually thinking whats on my mind.

Sharks

I've dealt with these sharks before.

So here I am, valentines day with no valentine. Not even a drunk hook up. I'm just here. I'm a shipwreck. I know I think I'm special. But thats just how it goes. I don't know. Firday the thirteenth has just blown big dick.

Newegg shipment delayed, boring class, and nothing in reward. I sit and hope that someone chooses me, because God knows I've almost given up choosing people myself. And the one chance i had lead to her passing out, and she was too drunk anyway.

Breathe In
Breathe Out
Keep your head above the water

But the problem is that waterline is way above my head. I keep struggling to break to the surface and everytime i do, something drags me right back down. Debbie said she was coming, that made me happy. Didn't show up. What the fuck? That girl used to talk ages with me, and she said she liked me at one point. But now i can't get more than a sentence or two out of her. Katie is all over me, and yet she doesn't like me. Why do people play my heart so much? I'm just tired of being here. I'm tired of being unsuccessful. I'm just... fucking depressed.

So don't swim so far from shore

But what else am I supposed to do? I have no choice but give hope that I can make it. What, am I supposed to play this game safe? Because as I realize no one wins when they play any game safely. You gotta be in the face of the opposition. But it just never works out.

Don't swim, don't swim, don't swim.

Cause i've dealt with these sharks before.

To the Moon for All I Care

Well, this will be a nice summation on my life for the last while. I've fallen from the Heaven I thought I was in when I talked to one person, but she couldn't make time for me. I wasn't even a backup in her life. I was just there when no one else was, I helped her through thick and thin, and one request to see her for a third time in my life was apparently too much. She leaves me high and dry every time. I'm good enough to give her advice, to get a laugh from, to call when she's scared, but not enough to actually spend time with. That is why I left her in her other town; her calls unanswered. She's the girl who cried wolf, and now at least I don't believe her. If you're reading this, cause I feel like you would, it wasn't just that once, it was every SINGLE time I tried. I got tired of it.

So other than that, the rest of life is just as bleak as its been. I failed to get more than four pledges for my fraternity, I'm just as messed as ever, and still single. I'm getting shit from people all the time about me being single, and only had sex once. FORGIVE ME FOR BEING A FUCK UP BUT YOURE NOT HELPING. Like, a joke is not a joke when I don't laugh with it. I don't wanna hear i need to get fucked, you think I haven't fucking realized that? I'm fucking pent up with so many emotions and though, they'll throw the punches no one wants to deal with my pleas for help. I'm honestly alone. I can only confide within this blog everything I want to. No one WANTS to listen, and you know how i know that? Because everyone gives the same generic fucking advice. "You'll meet someone," "There's someone out there for you" "It's not big deal, its not that great" Yeah, all of those DONT HELP. One in SIX BILLION people, I'm sure that must be comforting to hear. That's the equivalent to you failing a job interview and me saying "Well, there's one out there for you, somewhere" You wouldn't be happy with that advice. And just saying I need to get fucked is like saying "Well, you didn't get a job withDeutcheBank, but McDonalds is hiring!"

My confidence is absolutely abolished, my spirit is broken. I've tried so hard. At all times, and nothing works out.

Oh, and to throw MORE shit on top of the camel's back, I was told a girl I liked, liked me. No shit!? Oh, total shit. Turns out that the person who told me was joking/drunk/messing around. OH THAT MAKES ME FEEL FUCKING FANTASTIC. NOW IM SOMETHING TO LAUGH AT TO THE POINT THAT YOU FUCK WITH MY EMOTIONS. They said they were sorry, but I got shot in the leg and was told it was the cure for cancer.

My friends are keeping me somewhat sane, but the longer I live the farther I get from sanity. I went suit shopping today, not spending money on a girl so i might as well buy a suit to get a good job. Good Job = Money = Women? I've tried everything else... But even then I don't have high hopes. I just don't even care. I don't care if someone wants me even for just my money. Just anyone to have feelings for and have SOMETHING returned. I can't keep going on at this rate. I can't. I don't know what to do. Everything works for everyone else. Shit that just doesn't make sense does for everyone else. They all nab girlfriends, do things that shouldn't work, and pull off being total dicks (More so than I) and get away scotch free.

Life sucks. It really does. And my family, though loving, are nothing but trouble. I hardly hear from my brother, my mom god bless her only complains, my sister tells me what to do still and has nothing but grief following her, and my dad pretends everything is okay unless I say i'm not christian. I know I can't please everyone but FUCK WHO CAN I PLEASE!? And we have no money for a psychiatrist for my sister or me. I haven't told my parents how depressed i've been. I couldn't. It's ONE MORE thing for them to worry about.

I need life to be fair. I need something to go right.

I honestly don't know what's going to happen to me if it doesn't.