The King is Dead

Where do I turn myself in? Where do I say "Hey, you win, I give up" ? Because I'm ready to give in. It's basically useless to try.

I'm pathetic, I'm ugly, I'm just not wanted for some reason. People say I'm a creeper, maybe I am... I dunno how to fix that if it's true. Is it my skin and bones body? Probably a good deal of it. And that's impossible to fix, because my metabolism hates me. Everyone is afraid to gain weight, I'm afraid to lose it, and I do. But I digress...That can't be my only problem.

It's just, I've tried so many times for anything. And nothing ever comes of it. Nothing I do merits a reward, and i don't get one for trying apparently. I've just got no Game. That's right VP FriendZone, you win. You have more game than I do; because apparently mine is 0.

It's just. What do I do now? I'm not switching sides on it. I'm not even thinking that. I'm just....lost. So lost. So lonely. and I don't know what I should do about it. So far, as I've been told, three girls have liked me. Each of those is a nice person, but not a relationship I really wanna go that far into. It's not that I dont enjoy being around those people, it's just I don't see those qualities in them. But three?! THREE!? out of how many people I know!? And how about all the countless girls I've tried myself!? NONE.


WHERE DID I GO WRONG IN LIFE!? What is this supposed to do for me? I can't even regret not dating anyone, because either I know i'd be unhappy with one of those three, or I don't know what I did wrong with those of which I tried and failed. I give up.

I give up. You win, deity or fate or whatever the fuck does this to me. You fucking win. Good job.

Don't worry. I'm not thinking anything like suicide. I'm not stupid. I'm just fucking pissed off, and depressed. Yeah, I'm horribly depressed right now. And it won't subside soon and I don't know how to fix it. I tried hanging out with friends, that just made it worse.

By the way, anyone who uses racial slurs is a fucking cunt, even if you don't mean it. I'm sick and tired of hearing them.

Ugh, i'm gonna sleep. I'm...just tired. of everything. Friends, Family, Relationships (or COMPLETE LACK THERE OF). Cause as I see it, they are the three social aspects of life. and I'm completely void, a total failure in one THIRD of social life.

And you know what's funny? I've told this to x amount of people, and no one has any better advice than, "You'll find someone amazing" "Don't worry it'll happen soon"

Yeah. You know what? FUCK YOU

I'm so fucking TIRED of hearing that. It doesn't help! That's telling me that I'm going to be waiting LONGER when I've already been waiting 19 years. Maybe I'm just supposed to be alone. For the rest of my fucking life. Just quit college and go play WoW or something. Dig a hole and never come out. (Still no thoughts of suicide, no worries)

I'm done with trying. But can I really say that? No. I'll try still. But now I just have no confidence in myself. Not just in that aspect. In everything and anything.

The Sun Never Shines (On Closed Doors)

I'm not hiding my feelings about this subject from anyone. I hate the Bee Gees. On another note! I'm still alive, haven't updated in a while. I'm rull tired.

News Reel :

Having a party august 2nd; excited about that. I have absolutely no idea what to expect for it. I just hope a birthday gift from someone involves taking my virginity.

Hmmm, car passed inspection which means that I have absolutely no safety with knowledge that said car can pass inspection. If MY car can pass, any car can. It squealed like a pig rolling in there, and still passed. How? God's Grace works.

One of my favorite series ended, sadly.

Because someone spells their last name the same way as me does not mean they're related apparently, but doesn't mean they don't carry the awesomeness of being Pearson.

My stomach hurts. Whats new?

Games can't stop playing : CNC3KW & TF2

Music listening to right now? : Flogging Molly (I missed them)

I dont have any real deep thoughts or concentrations over the past week. Just kinda living. Happy with where I am, who i talk to, what I do. Except Drew and Chase, thats right, the only names I'm calling out on this blog. The BeeGees STILL suck.

I don't know if I'm just content, or happy. All I know is I just kinda am....okay? I guess is the best way to put lately.

Außer das! Ich hab mehr nichts. Es tut mir leid. Ich wünsche mehr Deutsch sprechen. Bin ich rostig, aber sollte das mit mehr sprechen. Richtig?

Full Circle

Parents seem to be a funny subject. It almost always seems that it's a love hate relationship. You either love them temporarily or hate them temporarily. We always have that platonic love, but it's really the "love / hate" that is what the surface feeling is. I know some kids who normally always have love for their parents on the surface, and I really wish the best for them and their parents; but I relate more often to those who hate them and I know a lot more of them. I guess that's why my group in Hamilton used to be a bunch of the punk-rock kids. Sure theres the punkers who say they hate their parents while they have their lives set out for them by their parents and basically just say it because they don't understand what amazing parents they have. Those are always the kids who wear shirts of bands they've never heard of... I can name a few. But the kids who were fucked over in the parental situation always felt one of the real brutal meanings of what it is to be punk. You don't need to be dressing in band shirts every day or a "sk8r" or any of that shit. God knows I didn't understand when I thought I was a punk; but being a later kid in life I see what punk really is. I'm not exactly saying I'm a punk now, and I'm not saying I ever will be. But I see what the essence is. It's angst, it's the bettering of yourself not from getting a job, or going to college, but by the people you spend your off hours with, drinking and just wreaking havoc. Life has a funny way of making the people with money the most wretched, unhappy people. While the punks sit in backyards of shitty houses with 40oz's fighting, listening to music, and just making it by with what they have better than anyone can ever do. It's an ideological path of music. Music lets us get hyped up before we set something on fire, or calm us down or teach us what slobs the government can be.


But do you really have to be from a shitty life to enjoy being a punk? Do you have to be unsuccessful and live off 40oz's? Not really. To define being anything as one lifestyle is silly. I would enjoy hearing someone put a category on anyone else. The only people who really categorize are those who think life is about being separated and rigid. That is one lifestyle you can define, the people who don't understand that you can listen to The Virus and then turn on Name Taken the next minute. I'm the kind who changes music genres with the push of a button and I don't care. From Tiesto to Abandoned Interstate to Nile, I don't care who or what it is, as long as I like it. And not enough people do that with their life. Too many people think that because they or they're friends don't listen to it, or some person said that Goths don't listen to Disco; they can't enjoy that music.

So am I saying I'm completely undefinable? I won't flatter myself enough to say that, but that's just it. Fine categorize me as a frat boy, as a punk, as a metalhead, a nerd, a geek, the coolest person ever (I get that too often) Just talk to me like you would anyone else and I don't care. For the sake of the title being "Full Circle" a song by the Virus, I'll link this back to parents. Parents do care though. You may not think it, but there are parents out there who force their kids into being the sporty kids, or the frat boys. Even if they don't force it, they wish their kid was the lead of a soccer team or walked home with a girl every night. No parents I know wants their kid to end up playing WoW 24/7, or being an avid punkrocker who hates the USA. Maybe if this punk-rock nonsense got this kid good with an instrument or rich from being in a band that got popular. But do you actually think there are a lot of parents who care that they're child enjoys punk rocking? Hell no, they want them to be great at school and sports. That's what counts in the life of a parent. What do those add up to? Better colleges. Better colleges = Better jobs.

You see the whole of the typical suburban family system is there. It starts with you. You're born. Your parents raise you with a lot of money to do well in school and sports, you go to college at some prestigious school, get a good degree, you get a great job with lots of money, get married, have a kid, raise him to be good at sports and school, go to college...etc. Anything that breaks from that is what is known as an anomaly. And they're not worth doing anything for. My parents had three of those, we started off doing sports but we all stopped. THen we all became nerds/punks/what not. And now my parents, mainly my father, I don't think really approves of us too much. But it's far enough along in my life that I can get by without that approval.

I don't know where this all came from. This was not at all about my day really, I just started thinking about one event that just passed and this all splurted out. From Parents to Punk Philosophy to Categories.... I dunno either.

8 Full Hours of Sleep

Yeah, last post I was trashed silly. I still feel a good amount of that though, but just more elegantly expressed instead of how I drunkly spoke of it. Regardless...

I got pressured into chugging last night, though I can't I found it odd it was the FIRST time thats happened to me...and I am part of a fraternity. And btw, i got destroyed last night. Anyway it was a fun night. One girl sat down on an exacto knife which she made a lot of noise, but i was on the phone so i yelled at her to shut up.... So....sor-ry!

The magic of being home is leaving again. It replenishes itself every once in a while, but right now I just wanna be back in Hoboken. But i don't really. I Just want to be back in school with things to do all the time. This long weekend was good, i did something every day mainly ever minute and got a lot of stuff straightened out in my life i feel.

Listening to some good music right now, and i must say, woman, you've got a great voice.

So what else... not much to really think of. I find it funny my sisters boyfriend & co. think I dress like a girl and am clearly gay. They really got frightened when I started to lisp around them.

Trying to decide if going is a good idea right now. If I do go, do I support them or just turn my back on what I've known for the last 8 months. I find the whole thing shitty. To cut off you're own like that is like to cut off your own arm without any kind of medical care....you'll just bleed out. I don't mean to be cruel but they're a cruel bunch I'm seeing. What to do.... I could spill more on the subject but I don't want to make it seem like I completely hate them....

He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare,
And he who has one enemy will meet him everywhere.

Ali ibn-Abi-Talib, A Hundred Sayings
(602 AD - 661 AD)

The Wide Stream

I'll probably delete this in the morning

WARNING : I feel absolutely changed, this is me pouring myself unto the page, and if you don't want to see what I truly think, then I would just close this...right now.

I walked for...about an hour today, and I reached an absolute zen... Most people would be skeptical, and figure I was just drinking and felt happy. A smile became of me, like normally when I drink, but this smile felt different, I noticed it. Normally I drink and people will say "You have a huge smile on" and I won't notice until then. Tonight, while listening to some music I just smiled. I kept walking and smiling...and pondering. I pondered a lot tonight, and figured a lot of stuff out. I started the walk with a grudge against where I was in life, and ended with just this zen, and this is what I realized :

I create a facade for people. Since 8th grade there are only five or six people I truly let myself go to. Those people have always been the same people since 8th grade. Everyone else I change to meet their standards. I lie, I exaggerate, I throw whatever I can to make people enjoy my company. Sometimes it's a simple white-lie to make a story better to make people feel happy or for them to laugh, almost a "...and then I found $20" to my stories so that what I found interesting is more interesting for my audience. I keep these facades in my head, and I recall every lie I've told. On a conscious, that's heavy. My brain is so clouded all the time, and I wonder what it would be like, if i just dropped every memory of a lie. To those who read this and feel cheated, I'm sorry, but the person you know might be not the real me, it might be very close, but not the real me.

I love life. For the past, couple of months...years... whatever, I've been upset. I'll fucking admit I've been depressed for ages. I've always been upset about one thing. Why not me? THat's it. Three words. "He has a girlfriend, Why not me?" "She's had sex, why not me?" "he got an A, why not me?" "They're in a band, why not me?" "He's popular, why not me?" I asked this to everything I didn't have. But tonight. I didn't care. I didn't care that I had not these things. I cared that I was here. That i had friends who cared. That where i am is better than most, and that I am grateful. I didn't care I wasn't with a hot girl. I didn't care i was a virgin. It's just stuff I haven't done yet. Is it really necessary? Who cares!? Not I, at least right now. And instead of looking for the hot asian girl of my dreams. Maybe I'll actually find a girl who is somewhat like me. I haven't found one yet, but maybe i should just wait. Be patient for once in my life with what i have, where I am, and who i'm with. And i feel like thats where I am...right now.

I have medical problems like crazy. My stomach is fucked beyond belief. I can't eat normally, and when i do, I pay for it. I'm different, and I can accept it. I don't really like being sick a lot, but i deal with it. Most people don't have as many problems as I have, and some people have a lot more. But the thing that caught my eye tonight.... was not that I didn't feel sick except for a little 10 minute period. It's that my hands right now....aren't cold and clammy. In fact, they're generating heat. In a matter of speaking, to me this means one thing. That i am truly at one with myself. And readers may think I'm fucking off the wall. But a funny thing about the study of Chi or Qi, however you want to spell it. They have techniques where they can generate heat from their hands. My hands are always cold. So if people who are one with their chi generate heat, then maybe my guilty, fucked up conscious had chi blocks. Something tonight clicked, and maybe my chi was freed, thus the warm hands. I know you're thinking I'm drunk, but drunken states release a true state of mind for most people.

I dunno. If any of this makes sense to someone....then I'm glad you can translate crazy. Life....feels right. Something feels....good and whole. I dunno what it is. But once again...that smile is on my face. People always tell me I look sad when I'm not thinking about something, or just staring into space. Maybe I am just a forever sad person. But for tonight. I feel right. I feel like there is hope. Like something supernatural has taken a hold of me, and corrected something that was largely incorrect.

I can't say anymore that I live a life of no regrets. I regret a lot. I focused a lot on it. I lied. I need a new line here...

I'm going to sleep. Wake up, and read this again. It might still be up when I leave tomorrow. It might be down. Either way, for one night....I felt right.

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

My car finally has a fully attached right side-view mirror. No more duct tape. I just need to replace the brakes and bang out the fender and I'm full functional.

Two days ago I chilled with some folks in the city, that was so much fun. I love the people I am with now a days, no one really is more enjoyable than my friends and loved ones. The same goes for the next day. Burrito Loco is not a good place for me to go, btw, but I still had more fun than I've had in ages. Today, I was home and fixed the car, ate a huge hoagie, and chilled with the family for a bit. Then the Hamilton crew met up, and we just did random shit for the night. More people showed up and left, and we walked back to my car at the end. That was the last couple of days.

Thoughts are hitting back with vengeance, I stop and think for a second and my mind just wanders. And lately it wanders with a bad direction. She'll notice eventually... But will I still be waiting for her? Probably not by then, she should notice quicker or her loss...

lol, Loose women...


Live with no regrets. OR ILL KILL YOU

I Wanna Be the Very Best

So I'm playing Pokemon while I write this... just FYI

Getting tired of drama, and I said before I wasn't gonna deal with it, and I'm keeping to it. I'm gonna do whatever and if people have a problem, which they will, I don't care. Better to lose friends over stuff they think I should care about, than have talk behind me. Without regard, I feel like now would be a good time to say everything I've done thus far, is not regretted, except one thing, which is never making any move on any girl.

Anyway, I ate Yakitori today, was amazing. And I go home tomorrow mad late. I'm really tired right now cause I've been on the go all day....walking the new women around stevens, walking woman then women and guy around newyork, and now emotional stress. Oh well.

Oh and theres this inking urking feeling that the House is losing its grasp on reality. And the more I hear and see of it, the more I'm saddened. I feel like people are abusing a lot of authority, and people are abusing a lot of stuff about the house in general. The feeling that everyone in it feels the same way because we all went through the same thing, is gone. I know some of us will keep true but joking or not, there are many abusing it.

Anyway, thas enough for tonight. More pokemon then sleep.... G'night

Live with no regrets...kinda messed THAT up!