The Wide Stream

I'll probably delete this in the morning

WARNING : I feel absolutely changed, this is me pouring myself unto the page, and if you don't want to see what I truly think, then I would just close this...right now.

I walked for...about an hour today, and I reached an absolute zen... Most people would be skeptical, and figure I was just drinking and felt happy. A smile became of me, like normally when I drink, but this smile felt different, I noticed it. Normally I drink and people will say "You have a huge smile on" and I won't notice until then. Tonight, while listening to some music I just smiled. I kept walking and smiling...and pondering. I pondered a lot tonight, and figured a lot of stuff out. I started the walk with a grudge against where I was in life, and ended with just this zen, and this is what I realized :

I create a facade for people. Since 8th grade there are only five or six people I truly let myself go to. Those people have always been the same people since 8th grade. Everyone else I change to meet their standards. I lie, I exaggerate, I throw whatever I can to make people enjoy my company. Sometimes it's a simple white-lie to make a story better to make people feel happy or for them to laugh, almost a "...and then I found $20" to my stories so that what I found interesting is more interesting for my audience. I keep these facades in my head, and I recall every lie I've told. On a conscious, that's heavy. My brain is so clouded all the time, and I wonder what it would be like, if i just dropped every memory of a lie. To those who read this and feel cheated, I'm sorry, but the person you know might be not the real me, it might be very close, but not the real me.

I love life. For the past, couple of months...years... whatever, I've been upset. I'll fucking admit I've been depressed for ages. I've always been upset about one thing. Why not me? THat's it. Three words. "He has a girlfriend, Why not me?" "She's had sex, why not me?" "he got an A, why not me?" "They're in a band, why not me?" "He's popular, why not me?" I asked this to everything I didn't have. But tonight. I didn't care. I didn't care that I had not these things. I cared that I was here. That i had friends who cared. That where i am is better than most, and that I am grateful. I didn't care I wasn't with a hot girl. I didn't care i was a virgin. It's just stuff I haven't done yet. Is it really necessary? Who cares!? Not I, at least right now. And instead of looking for the hot asian girl of my dreams. Maybe I'll actually find a girl who is somewhat like me. I haven't found one yet, but maybe i should just wait. Be patient for once in my life with what i have, where I am, and who i'm with. And i feel like thats where I am...right now.

I have medical problems like crazy. My stomach is fucked beyond belief. I can't eat normally, and when i do, I pay for it. I'm different, and I can accept it. I don't really like being sick a lot, but i deal with it. Most people don't have as many problems as I have, and some people have a lot more. But the thing that caught my eye tonight.... was not that I didn't feel sick except for a little 10 minute period. It's that my hands right now....aren't cold and clammy. In fact, they're generating heat. In a matter of speaking, to me this means one thing. That i am truly at one with myself. And readers may think I'm fucking off the wall. But a funny thing about the study of Chi or Qi, however you want to spell it. They have techniques where they can generate heat from their hands. My hands are always cold. So if people who are one with their chi generate heat, then maybe my guilty, fucked up conscious had chi blocks. Something tonight clicked, and maybe my chi was freed, thus the warm hands. I know you're thinking I'm drunk, but drunken states release a true state of mind for most people.

I dunno. If any of this makes sense to someone....then I'm glad you can translate crazy. Life....feels right. Something feels....good and whole. I dunno what it is. But once again...that smile is on my face. People always tell me I look sad when I'm not thinking about something, or just staring into space. Maybe I am just a forever sad person. But for tonight. I feel right. I feel like there is hope. Like something supernatural has taken a hold of me, and corrected something that was largely incorrect.

I can't say anymore that I live a life of no regrets. I regret a lot. I focused a lot on it. I lied. I need a new line here...

I'm going to sleep. Wake up, and read this again. It might still be up when I leave tomorrow. It might be down. Either way, for one night....I felt right.