Sound System

Gonna bring me back around.

I studied not as much as I should have. I hope I don't fail this shit. lol

Loud Pipes

So to sum up the weekend. 

Friday Night : Party! Ate pizza right before hand...mistake. But, i can live with that...7 Jelloshots and 5 minutes later? I can still deal-- what? and two drinks loaded with vodka-- I don't feel well. WHere's a toile---- Fuck. So after that, I hit the party with vim and vigor. I got buzzed a little and began trying my magic...I caught and bagged...a cold. I was hugging people goodbye, low and behold someone says they have a cold and i test my chances and still hug em. I got a cold from that. Then I got with this chick, lost virginity (held out like a pro?) And then played WAR til 4am. 

Satur-DAY : Work day, woke up at 11:00 showered and helped around the house a little til 2:00, PRUDE meeting, got made fun of a lot, but meh. Read a lot about promissory notes and no one is good at staying on topic. Oh a blue car-- jk. Anyway... finished up yelling at Emo to move his shit. Got the workbend outta the room which is really nice. 

Saturday Night : Left to see Ratatat. 2.5 mile walk + 20 minute PATH ride just to get there. Two fucked up bands before hand, two chicks in front who were cute ass engineers from Union College, two half hours of amazing Ratatat, two awesome ending songs including Seventeen Years (their best song, hands down) and two cute ass engineers who left without me remembering to get any phone numbers.  Got back to my home of Alpha Sig, and messed around for two hours, found out my room is still a fucking mess, and have to fix it tomorrow. Sitting on my bed with my laptop....bleh. 

By the way, everyone i know has a facebook, including friends and family. If you're gonna post something about something you wouldn't want your family or friends to know, then ask yourself if it would be a better message. I don't like broadcasting to the world much of anything. Even if I lost my virginity last night. 

Alpha Sig is so amazing. Yet some people can be really fucked up who come out of it. And some people can be really fucked up while in it. 

Anyway, since my last post where I totally boosted myself confidence (And it's stayed like that lately =D) I've been noticing girls look at me more. Now I've got added confidence, and I feel like a lot of things that troubled me before won't. I've got this in the bag. Let's do it big baby - Juggz

On the Turning Away

From the pain and frustration, I'm making great strides. Anyway, so since I stopped talking to that friend of mine, we had a brief period of going back to normal, and then we both decided to stop talking, then they got upset we stopped talking, and I decided that it was better not to. 

I'm burning some bridges lately, it seems. Oddly enough they seem to only be females; no I'm not going gay, haha. Regardless I feel as though it may be a better thing for me to do. One of those persons changed from what they used to be, and very hypocritically and seflishly. The other I got tired of just dealing with their problems, and the last was that whole last post all about.

As physics states theres no way to destroy matter, it just takes a different form and has it! School has somehow been making me feel pretty good, which probably will change after monday/tuesday. But until then I feel that love for learning feeling, and it's still as great as it always feels. 

I got my finger infected...thats kinda unfavorable. Hurts pretty bad, looks like a large pimple next to my nail. Aaaand what else has been happening...

So have I been going through life changing stuff? Yeah, but I seem not to care that much, which is either very selfish or good of me. It feels good for me, and probably not so much the other people, but you know what it's god damn time I start caring about myself. I honestly feel like it's all I do is give other people advice and shit. So is it time for me to say "Hey, I don't care?" Is it time for me to start giving myself my own treasured advice? Is it time I stop spending my time and effort to not help my friends? 

It's not that time. Not entirely. I can't just leave them all in the dark without my for some reason treasured advice and somehow tolerable discussion habits, haha. But I can stop leaving it as my number one priority.

Does that mean I don't care? Of course not. Sometimes I don't, but most of the time I do. I like my friends happy but lately it seems none of them have cared im not, maybe they feel they can't do anything. Meh. I know some of them really care, and those who do are my favorite and best friends. Others who don't, then I guess I don't/didn't need them. 

Am I really doing this, you asked. 

Well, it's about time I said this to someone. Fuck yeah I am, I'm doing what I want to do. I'm taking control, and fuck those who say that I can't, that I shouldn't, that I'm leaving them in the dust. If you can't keep up, I'll miss you, but I guess I won't wait up as much as I always used to. 

It's my time to shine, and you're time to follow. THe world changes in polar opposites sometimes. Let me make it my time? Fuck no. I will make it my time now.

"Pickloads of Dickmin" - Nick 

1234, 1234

So a couple of nights ago, I told someone how I felt though I tried not to...and the only positive thing that happened from that is that I felt a lightened load off of my chest for 10 seconds. Since then, that person decided not to talk to me, and my life has notoriously gone to hell ever so slightly more.

This person used to be the person in my life I'd tell anything to, and now I have no one to give unmitigated Kevin thoughts. Now I have no one to just talk to without thinking before saying somethings, and upset some people may be for hearing this, it's true. I have a mind that needs to be blocked, and it's very abstract most of the time. 

Regardless, now I just have pent up 5,000 feelings. I don't know what to do anymore. My life since I was born has been spiralling down, and it's almost like Office Space. "Every day that you see me, thats the worst day of my life" "Wow, thats good stuff" but I don't want it to be. I try to be the most friendly, cheerful guy, but my life just doesn't want me to be. People have been saying even more "what's eating you" and my only reply has been "everything." 

I hate this. I hate thinking in High School about proving the statistics wrong. Making a change. In Highschool, i was never depressed, and i had a fun time. College hit and I'm realizing i'm older and I haven't done things everyone has done. I have no roads to turn down, and I've burnt the bridges I need toget out. I need help...I really do. Not from a psychiatrist. From my friends. I just..... dunno what to do. Sure I have friends, family and school, but I'm miserable. I'm an outcast and everyone knows it.

People call me a creeper, and I try not to be, but its true. I am. AndI really wish i wasn't, because then I wouldn't scare away the people I want close to me. But it happens....and i fear there is no cure, that i'll be alone like this all of my life.

I watched the Office this summer, and Michael's character was the most alluring one...because I think in some ways...I am him at a lesser age. Never having sex, thinking everyone is my girlfriend or friend when they're not. Everyone laughing behind my back because I'm such a loser. I look at this with admiration that he made it that far at least, cause I'm not sure I would. I honestly dread getting older, not because death lures closer or because joints will hurt. Because that will be one more year that I don't have anyone for me.

I dunno, I'm a little inebriated, but fuck...this is the only way I get the truth out on this fucking blog. Even though she was probably the only one who read it. Why do I even bother without anyone to read....

Fuck I hate myself more than anything, not for that one mistake. Just because I think i am one. 

Summer of '98

Well I guess this is the official end of summer, but it's kinda ironic due to what happened today. So the crew and I decided to hit a certain White Mana up, and on the way back the windows were down, music blasting and the sun was setting.... it was one of those rare moments of a season where it hits you "This is why I love this season" but at the same time, I realized I just had a week of classes. This summer I didn't do many summer-like things, and when I did it didn't really hit me that it was summer. I guess it was kind of a mistake to have worked the whole summer in Hoboken and be miserable when I wasn't working cause there was nothing to do. But I came out with a lot of money in my hands which most of that I spent. But summer is gone, and my favorite-er season is coming, Fall.

But I was thinking while the crew was rambunciously dancing and singing along with the music in the car. Staring at the sunset which etched the sky in orange, I kinda realized why we all celebrate summer more than any other season. Summer for a student is synomous with freedom. Yet this summer I didn't have much if any of that, and I feel like that's truely why it never really felt like a summer season. Sure it was hot, and the sun burned my skin (Not too bad this year) but it wasn't summer. Oh well.

School is in session, I'm moved into the Frat house. The House is nice 'cause you can expect anyone to hang out at any time. More and more I'm making common grounds with people in the frat I didn't realize I would have any or as much in common as I thought. Though I've made more closer friends, some of the brothers are beginning to become a nuissance. Regardless, it's a lot more fun than I imagined.

Everyone lately has been telling me I've seemed/looked/sound upset. It's possible. As I keep telling them, I'm just as happy with life as I've been for a while now. Life is a hardhitting fiend, but the worst hits that bother me the most is a nagging one. Not a hit, infact its actually a lack of one, and though I see myself as a people person (for the most part), it's just impossible it seems. Somehow it keeps nagging me more than usual. Sooooo maybe I do look it now, maybe it's just in the front of my mind more often. Oh well, nothing I can do about it, obviously...since I tried.

ON a LIGHTER note.... I've saved a good amount of money, and I'm actually backto being good at bass...since I've been practicing most of summer. Oh and Star Wars IV in 1080p is really pretty....


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh.

It's a trap. And I'm heading right for it.

Breakable

Today, I think everyone confided with me that they don't like being where they are. And though I'm pretty depressed and upset with how I am, I think....I am happy with where I am, and from the way it sounds, I'm the only one.

One friend wanted to go back to 2006, another to January, and other various time slots either in the past or near future. But, I just had to yell at them "Am I the only one happy with where I am? WIth the people I'm with? With what I do? Sure, things are pretty shitty but you just gotta live through it." At the same discussion, my friend decided to get angry about everyone changing, and yeah we all are changing, we're all in college and doing our things and nothing can stay the same. I've changed, I know I have, and everyone has even again since hitting college, or from learning and being around them more, but you can't get angry at that. When you get angry at people for changing, the only one who loses is you. Sure, you might get angry and try and change someone, but it won't work, it's not how they're supposed to go in this ebb and flow of time. Why bother getting angry, all you do is simply put a downer on yourself? And as the years go by and people leave and enter life, you realize that you can just...let it happen. This is life, change is life. You can either fight change and be stubborn, or you can go with it. Just live you life as well as you can, and see that my words hold true. Getting angry at change is absolutely foolish...and you lose what makes you awesome, your happiness. You can be upset for a while about it, i'll let you do that. But you have to learn to let things go. You can't hold down time...and you can't live in the past. The world of "what if" is a horrible world for anyone to live in.... and I'll miss anyone stuck there. I just rambled on a bunch, but....hopefully that made enough sense for it to stick in....


"As we go through life, we really dont' change. We just become more of the same. You look around as the years go back, and it seems a valid premise; people don't change. As a matter of fact, most of us resist change very strongly. Yet change is a sure thing. The only variable is rate; slow as we read as evolution, and fast as revolution."
- Some sample from the Sabrepulse song "Forget"

Let's Face It

I play a lot of bass now a days, nothing much else to do. But I really enjoy doing what I do with the bass. Sure, I would be down for jamming with someone, but I don't really play my music for performance. I like just playing music, but I think I'm not at all for the band scene. I just like playing music, the same thing over and over is just not for me. But I can see where my roommate loves doing it. It's gotta be fun to share a love with music with a lot of people. If i did join a band, it would be merely for singing. I wouldn't wanna play bass, even though it's much more my prowess than singing, just because singing you can change on the moment, and I'm a man who cannot do the same thing over and over again. Bass, I love you as an instrument, but you CAN be tedious. But I STILL LOVE YOU BABY!

Last post was a really emo post, but meh, I won't deny it being how I feel. My thoughts are a bit more lenient for my troubled mind for tonight, not tagging me with such spiteful feelings.

Birthday is this weekend. I have no idea how this will unfold. I feel like it will be either really good. If it's bad? Meh. Can't win em all! At least I'll be on vacation!

Don't think I'm gonna get the gift i was hoping for in time, but you know....right now, with Mighty Mighty Bosstones blasting in ears, I don't care. It seems when i write in this blog, I'm either perfectly fine with where I am, or horribly upset with it. Kinda funny what opposites they can be. And especially since they're like, 2 days after each other. You can tell I lead a very rollercoaster life. Is it hard? No. I have too good of friends, each of em, in order to make life hard. They make me who I am, and where would I be without them? Not here, not vying for success and laughing the way there. They all make this so much better.

Hjmmmmmmm Work was pretty tiring today and I'm yawning thinking about it. But even though it was a rough day, including finding out that the fire alarm was going off on a building I was on the roof of (It's a 14 story building) and my boss and I had to race down EVERY floor's stairs....I had a good day. Bit of a headache now, seems my head doesn't like me being outside for long without sunglasses. Need those by the end of tomorrow. For the pay and the experience, this is definitely a great job.

Scattered mind.

My bro's this weekend was incredibly fun. It made me realize he's really happy with his life out there, and I'm happy for him. He's making good money and he's got amazing friends out there. It'll be great next summer if I can grab an internship with his company and work for their networking staff. My sister had as much fun as she could out there...I kinda wish she didn't have this neck problem. I miss the sister that could be witty and snappy all the time, but now she's just in pain all of the time. I love my sister dearly, and I know she'll make it through this ordeal. She's made it this far, and I know she'll overcome this stupid neck thing. But until she's out of the problem, she really must be miserable... She dwarfs my problems with my stomach, and now I feel like I'm one of the healthiest in the family for once. How ironic...

Thinking....thinking..... I think thats enough.